For as long as I can remember, I have been competing! As a young girl and a high school athlete I competed in gymnastics, soccer, and long distance running. I was strong, quick, and dedicated. I pushed myself to be the best. Maybe this is indicative of being an enneagram 3, but competing has always been part of my identity. For decades I channeled the high of striving to be the best into competitive wellness. What do I mean by competitive wellness? An adult participating in an activity to increase or maintain physical wellness while also competing. For 30 plus years, I did not let my competitive nature wain even though I wasn’t participating in organized sports. I couldn’t go for a run without fretting about my pace for years. I trained and completed a marathon and several spring triathlons. In yoga class, I compared my chaturanga with the person next to me. At boot camp, I pushed myself in sprints until I felt like puking. While at an Orange Theory workout- I was unable to let the runner next to me run at a faster pace on the treadmill. During COVID I starting playing tennis and my team ended up going all the way to the USTA National Tournament in Oklahoma City, OK. For me, the competition could be an actual opponent or it could just be- Denise v Denise. This is competitive wellness. It followed me everywhere and I loved it!!
And then I got injured. I mean really injured. In 2023, I tore my ACL and need a total reconstruction. My surgeon asked what outcome I wanted from the surgery. I answered, “100% recovery and return to every sport I love.” I poured my entire self into physical therapy so that I could “return to sport”. I wanted to return to competing. The surgery occurred before I turned 49. As my 50th birthday rolled around and I was fully recovered, I slowly realized something fundamentally had shifted for me. I didn’t want to compete. I certainly did not want to compete with an opponent, but shockingly I didn’t want to compete with myself either. After giving myself grace for an entire year of physical therapy, I decided I was unwilling to stop. For example, I signed up for a trail run without really training, but I was excited to try something new and test my knee a little. Surprisingly, I finished 2nd in my age group. So -I signed up for another and took 1st for Women 50+. I was the best, let’s go! In the very next race, I took a nasty fall and ended up smashing my face into the dirt at full speed. Bloody and beaten, a fellow runner asked me if I wanted to continue with the race or go back to the finish. I laughed. “No, dude. I am done for the day!” Guess, what? I hung up my trail “racing” shoes. My friends and family weren’t going to love me more if I won my age group! I didn’t need to sign up for a race. I could just go run on a trail! No need for competitive wellness.
And so, I think I have aged out of competitive wellness. I do “dabble” in tennis and pickleball, but the competition does not interest me anymore. After a catastrophic injury, being on any court, running around is a win! However, being active will be forever part of my identity. Bodies in motion, stay in motion. I will find ways to be active with my husband and friends. Pickleball in a friend’s backyard? YES! Entering a pickleball tournament? No. Start running again? Yes, for fun and cardio fitness. Compete in a race? Nope. Could I change mind in the future? Absolutely, I am old enough to know that absolutes are foolish. But for now, returning to the “sport of life” is all I need.
