Sir William James and Sir Henry Vaughn. Their personalities shine through in these pictures.

Life is truly an ebb and flow. During my last posting I certainly was feeling defeated. Usually my boys go through their ‘phases’ separately, so I can manage it better. Unfortunately, they are BOTH in horrible places right now and we will leave it at that! Because today I more hopeful. Even though the rain comes down in steady streams, I am smiling and feeling a bit relieved. Relieved that we seem to be getting it together….a bit. I look forward to spending time as a family this weekend and hope that the moments of joy and laughter outnumber the meltdowns and timeouts. A mother can hope!

I began reading the book…but didn’t finish….A Purpose Driven Life. I love the title. Should there be a book titled Purpose Driven Mothering? I haven’t had many lows in a long while. I am blessed with healthy children, a kind and loving husband, and a fairly easy life. I say easy because I don’t work outside my home, we live comfortably (more than comfortably), and we don’t struggle to meet the basic needs of our family. Nonetheless, I am struggling. I struggle everyday to mother with purpose. I have written about this before and find myself writing about it again.

These little men of mine are true gifts. I cannot put into words my understanding of the task at hand. The task of raising them and loving them. I sometimes miss the days right after they were born. When I could hold them, if I wanted, for hours and hours. I remember just staring at them in amazement and awe. How could this little guy really be…here? These days those moments feel like they were in a different lifetime. (This may also be why some women have more babies. But I digress!) These days I feel like I don’t have any answers. My brain knows that you can’t be a perfect mother, that kids are not perfect, and NO ONE has ALL the answers. I know that intellectually, but my heart does not feel that. I am desperate to do right by them. Although not logical, I take most of their shortcomings as personal failures. Again I know this in my head as crazy; it is my heart that has a hard time believing.

As the season changes here in Seattle, it has turned damp, gray, and bleak. At the moment, that is how I feel. The joyous, boisterous holidays are right around the corner. I know my spirits will lift. I know that in the weeks to come my boys will enter new phases, maybe ones I am better equipped to manage. I know that my life is good and that these boys are true treasures. I know that one day I will look back at THIS time and think about how simple and lovely my troubles were. I know these things in my head….I just need my heart to believe them as well.

**I sent this as an email to friends almost 2 years ago, but seems appropriate in light of the H1N1 mania! I laugh reading it. I was obviously still struggling with my place in life and staying home with young crazy boys!**

Will, Henry and I were eating lunch in a small (and I mean small) diner yesterday. I love going to this place because it is family owned and they are always so good to me when I am there. The boys love it because they can get breakfast for lunch and they bring toys to the table. Like any mother of small children, eating out is always an adventure and the timing of everything is crucial. All in all the meal was going well (or at least as well as can be expected!) Toward the end of our lunch a party of five sat down right next to us. Remember I stated that is place is small, so their table was literally 1 foot away. There was a woman (probably in her 40’s) with who I assumed was her husband and son (10 or 11 years old). An older couple joined them-which I am guessing were his or her parents. The following interchange occurred soon after they sat down…

(I must preface this by saying that we have been battling a cold in cough for weeks. Will has been coughing all of the time and I tell him maybe 100 times a day to cover his mouth when he coughs.)

Will, sitting across from me, was coughing . He did not cover his mouth or cough into his arm. The woman in her 40’s looked across the table at the older woman and states, ” I know…it is disgusting”. She said loud enough for me to hear and I knew she was speaking of Will. Something in me snapped.

I said to her, “He is three years old.”

She responded, “Well he is going to get us all sick!”

The older gentleman says, “Come on he is just a baby.” She says, “I am not talking about the baby.”

Again I state, “He is three years old and I have told him probably 100 times today he needs to cover his mouth.” Then I was on a roll!

I continued, “I am doing the best I can. Obviously you raised perfect children and you are perfect mother. Please give me some advice on how I can do a better job.”

At this she crossed her arms, looked away, and said nothing more. Who knows what she was thinking!!

Please know that I do not excuse the fact that my son was spreading germs by not covering his mouth! It was part Momma Bear protecting her cub, but mostly it was my sheer astonishment that this woman could so quickly forget what it was like to have a small child! I was shocked by the total absence of empathy.

I send this embarrassing story to you in hopes that you will know that we are all in this together. We are not perfect people, so naturally we cannot be perfect mothers. I know your hopes and dreams for your children can keep you up at night and you worry endlessly if you are doing a good enough job! Let me be the one to tell you that, “Yes, you are doing a good job”. Today I will be the one to thank you for the meals you prepare, the dishes and clothes you wash, the noses and bums you wipe, the tears you dry, the baths you give at the end of a long day. (For those of you who have older children I won’t even pretend to know the challenges you face!) You do hundreds of little things each day that go mostly unnoticed by those who live with you. I know what you do each and every day and I say….you are amazing.

**A few days later Will was diagnosed with walking pneumonia. Mother-of-the-year!**

Observing my two year old watch, with admiration, the trash collector and his truck reminds me to be aware of my own biases and judgments of others. If you were introduced to man or woman for the first time and you learn that this person is a garbage collector what would your reaction be? I doubt you would be envious that they are able to drive an enormous truck all day. Would you assume the person uneducated or unmotivated? Do you inconspicuously (or so you think) inspect every inch for tattoos and dirt? Do you begrudge him or her for the money they make? You went to college and barely bring home the same amount. Would you take the time to learn more about this person? Or do you think that your judgments might interfere in your openness to allow someone to be more than what they do for a living. Kids have an uncanny knack for being amazed by the ordinary. It is refreshing, and also quite humbling.

When was the last time you did something for the first time? As adults we can’t say that we do this very often. Quite honestly, most of haven’t done anything new in so long we can’t remember what it was that we did. Some “grown ups” continually challenge themselves and push out of their comfort zone more often than not. I applaud them! But what is astonishing is how often kids do something for the first time! Can you imagine the amount of adrenalin rushing through their little bodies ALL of the time? Constantly daring themselves to be “brave” just like we tell them. Are we at all helpful in our encouragement when we ourselves don’t ever really step out on the edge and push ourselves?

Today Will went off the competition diving board into the deep end of the pool…..for the first time. This is a kid that would not get his face or ears wet in May of this year. He just decided this evening to go for it with his dad and did not falter in his determination. The board is about 3 or 4 feet off the surface of the water and is very springy! Dad went first. Not a pretty dive by any means, but impressive nonetheless to Will and Hank! Will was next. He walked to the end, waited for a countdown from Henry and me, and then bonsai! Jumped in, popped up, swam to dad, and asked to do it again. Astonishing! In the end, he was pulling off impressive cannon balls and swimming to the edge without an adult in the pool with him. (He even tried a dive, taking us completely off guard, and experienced his first belly flop. Ouch!)

On the way home, I was thinking to myself, “What a HUGE the afternoon for him!” He did something for the first time. We had no way of knowing and he will never be the same. It is such hard work being a kid. But there are such amazing payoffs. He will go to bed a very proud boy!

And now I ask myself, “What can I do for the first time?”

I am mothering in an age of protection. This is something I cannot escape, and I am surrounded by suggestions, guidelines, rules and laws regarding such protection. Always put baby on his back to sleep. Don’t put anything in the crib with him. Never turn your back while baby is on the changing table. Backward facing until age one and 20 lbs. Front facing in car seat until 30 lbs and 38″. Booster seat in the back seat until he gets his driver’s license. No bike, scooter, or push car without helmet. Locks on the cabinets, doors, toilet seat. Gates on stairs. Seriously, right? I have been conditioned to be fearful of the worst happening. I hear of horrible accidents to children and feel such empathy for the family. I know that it could easily be us. Thankfully, so far, it has not been.

I was a rebel without a cause. When we moved into our home 2 summers ago, I did not baby proof. Gasp! No gates, no locks on cabinets or toilets, and no bumpers on BIG brick fireplace hearths. (I did cover our outlets because Henry- at age five months-was already “experimenting” with conductors.) All and all, it was a great decision. My boys are fine. Henry learned to navigate stairs like a champ at 6 months and my house remained unscathed from screw holes and annoying locks! There have been hard lessons learned (picture illustrates such event. Toddler vs. brick), but I would like to say they will be better for it.

I do acknowledge the need for child protection. Our children do ride safer in cars and on their bikes than we did. But on the other hand, this uber-protection extends beyond just physical protection from bodily harm. I fear my boys may not have similar personal experiences that I once had as a kid. For example I was allowed to play outside with my friends until sundown. The rule was you had to be in for lunch and dinner. At the end of the day you had to be in when the street lights came on. We were distinctly aware that no one should have to come looking for you and it was up to you to pay close attention. There were consequences if you were late and we knew it! I sincerely believe it help build independence and responsibility that has served me well in my life. Will my kids have that? We are lucky to live in fantastic niche in the world that may afford our kids this luxury. However, will I be able to let my boys “go” on their own. I hope so. But there is this little quiet voice that repeats, “What if?” What if?

I truly love talking to women who have children that are older than mine, specifically older boys. One such friend gave me a great tip, “only try to do what is honestly possible”. She used the example of grocery shopping. If you can’t make it through a trip to the store (no matter the length) without your kids losing, you can’t go with them. You have to go late at night, trade kids with a friend, or get a sitter! The most important thing is knowing what is possible. Children don’t like shopping with their moms for hours, they don’t like running boring errands, they don’t like visiting friends’ homes who don’t have toys, they don’t behave at meals. If I have to (or want t0) do something I know will trigger my boys to become little devils, I now rethink how it can be done. Thank goodness for GREAT a babysitter whom my boys love, Amazon Fresh, and a supportive husband. I am slowly learning what is possible and accepting it for what it is!