**I sent this as an email to friends almost 2 years ago, but seems appropriate in light of the H1N1 mania! I laugh reading it. I was obviously still struggling with my place in life and staying home with young crazy boys!**

Will, Henry and I were eating lunch in a small (and I mean small) diner yesterday. I love going to this place because it is family owned and they are always so good to me when I am there. The boys love it because they can get breakfast for lunch and they bring toys to the table. Like any mother of small children, eating out is always an adventure and the timing of everything is crucial. All in all the meal was going well (or at least as well as can be expected!) Toward the end of our lunch a party of five sat down right next to us. Remember I stated that is place is small, so their table was literally 1 foot away. There was a woman (probably in her 40’s) with who I assumed was her husband and son (10 or 11 years old). An older couple joined them-which I am guessing were his or her parents. The following interchange occurred soon after they sat down…

(I must preface this by saying that we have been battling a cold in cough for weeks. Will has been coughing all of the time and I tell him maybe 100 times a day to cover his mouth when he coughs.)

Will, sitting across from me, was coughing . He did not cover his mouth or cough into his arm. The woman in her 40’s looked across the table at the older woman and states, ” I know…it is disgusting”. She said loud enough for me to hear and I knew she was speaking of Will. Something in me snapped.

I said to her, “He is three years old.”

She responded, “Well he is going to get us all sick!”

The older gentleman says, “Come on he is just a baby.” She says, “I am not talking about the baby.”

Again I state, “He is three years old and I have told him probably 100 times today he needs to cover his mouth.” Then I was on a roll!

I continued, “I am doing the best I can. Obviously you raised perfect children and you are perfect mother. Please give me some advice on how I can do a better job.”

At this she crossed her arms, looked away, and said nothing more. Who knows what she was thinking!!

Please know that I do not excuse the fact that my son was spreading germs by not covering his mouth! It was part Momma Bear protecting her cub, but mostly it was my sheer astonishment that this woman could so quickly forget what it was like to have a small child! I was shocked by the total absence of empathy.

I send this embarrassing story to you in hopes that you will know that we are all in this together. We are not perfect people, so naturally we cannot be perfect mothers. I know your hopes and dreams for your children can keep you up at night and you worry endlessly if you are doing a good enough job! Let me be the one to tell you that, “Yes, you are doing a good job”. Today I will be the one to thank you for the meals you prepare, the dishes and clothes you wash, the noses and bums you wipe, the tears you dry, the baths you give at the end of a long day. (For those of you who have older children I won’t even pretend to know the challenges you face!) You do hundreds of little things each day that go mostly unnoticed by those who live with you. I know what you do each and every day and I say….you are amazing.

**A few days later Will was diagnosed with walking pneumonia. Mother-of-the-year!**

Observing my two year old watch, with admiration, the trash collector and his truck reminds me to be aware of my own biases and judgments of others. If you were introduced to man or woman for the first time and you learn that this person is a garbage collector what would your reaction be? I doubt you would be envious that they are able to drive an enormous truck all day. Would you assume the person uneducated or unmotivated? Do you inconspicuously (or so you think) inspect every inch for tattoos and dirt? Do you begrudge him or her for the money they make? You went to college and barely bring home the same amount. Would you take the time to learn more about this person? Or do you think that your judgments might interfere in your openness to allow someone to be more than what they do for a living. Kids have an uncanny knack for being amazed by the ordinary. It is refreshing, and also quite humbling.

When was the last time you did something for the first time? As adults we can’t say that we do this very often. Quite honestly, most of haven’t done anything new in so long we can’t remember what it was that we did. Some “grown ups” continually challenge themselves and push out of their comfort zone more often than not. I applaud them! But what is astonishing is how often kids do something for the first time! Can you imagine the amount of adrenalin rushing through their little bodies ALL of the time? Constantly daring themselves to be “brave” just like we tell them. Are we at all helpful in our encouragement when we ourselves don’t ever really step out on the edge and push ourselves?

Today Will went off the competition diving board into the deep end of the pool…..for the first time. This is a kid that would not get his face or ears wet in May of this year. He just decided this evening to go for it with his dad and did not falter in his determination. The board is about 3 or 4 feet off the surface of the water and is very springy! Dad went first. Not a pretty dive by any means, but impressive nonetheless to Will and Hank! Will was next. He walked to the end, waited for a countdown from Henry and me, and then bonsai! Jumped in, popped up, swam to dad, and asked to do it again. Astonishing! In the end, he was pulling off impressive cannon balls and swimming to the edge without an adult in the pool with him. (He even tried a dive, taking us completely off guard, and experienced his first belly flop. Ouch!)

On the way home, I was thinking to myself, “What a HUGE the afternoon for him!” He did something for the first time. We had no way of knowing and he will never be the same. It is such hard work being a kid. But there are such amazing payoffs. He will go to bed a very proud boy!

And now I ask myself, “What can I do for the first time?”

I am mothering in an age of protection. This is something I cannot escape, and I am surrounded by suggestions, guidelines, rules and laws regarding such protection. Always put baby on his back to sleep. Don’t put anything in the crib with him. Never turn your back while baby is on the changing table. Backward facing until age one and 20 lbs. Front facing in car seat until 30 lbs and 38″. Booster seat in the back seat until he gets his driver’s license. No bike, scooter, or push car without helmet. Locks on the cabinets, doors, toilet seat. Gates on stairs. Seriously, right? I have been conditioned to be fearful of the worst happening. I hear of horrible accidents to children and feel such empathy for the family. I know that it could easily be us. Thankfully, so far, it has not been.

I was a rebel without a cause. When we moved into our home 2 summers ago, I did not baby proof. Gasp! No gates, no locks on cabinets or toilets, and no bumpers on BIG brick fireplace hearths. (I did cover our outlets because Henry- at age five months-was already “experimenting” with conductors.) All and all, it was a great decision. My boys are fine. Henry learned to navigate stairs like a champ at 6 months and my house remained unscathed from screw holes and annoying locks! There have been hard lessons learned (picture illustrates such event. Toddler vs. brick), but I would like to say they will be better for it.

I do acknowledge the need for child protection. Our children do ride safer in cars and on their bikes than we did. But on the other hand, this uber-protection extends beyond just physical protection from bodily harm. I fear my boys may not have similar personal experiences that I once had as a kid. For example I was allowed to play outside with my friends until sundown. The rule was you had to be in for lunch and dinner. At the end of the day you had to be in when the street lights came on. We were distinctly aware that no one should have to come looking for you and it was up to you to pay close attention. There were consequences if you were late and we knew it! I sincerely believe it help build independence and responsibility that has served me well in my life. Will my kids have that? We are lucky to live in fantastic niche in the world that may afford our kids this luxury. However, will I be able to let my boys “go” on their own. I hope so. But there is this little quiet voice that repeats, “What if?” What if?

I truly love talking to women who have children that are older than mine, specifically older boys. One such friend gave me a great tip, “only try to do what is honestly possible”. She used the example of grocery shopping. If you can’t make it through a trip to the store (no matter the length) without your kids losing, you can’t go with them. You have to go late at night, trade kids with a friend, or get a sitter! The most important thing is knowing what is possible. Children don’t like shopping with their moms for hours, they don’t like running boring errands, they don’t like visiting friends’ homes who don’t have toys, they don’t behave at meals. If I have to (or want t0) do something I know will trigger my boys to become little devils, I now rethink how it can be done. Thank goodness for GREAT a babysitter whom my boys love, Amazon Fresh, and a supportive husband. I am slowly learning what is possible and accepting it for what it is!

This is my motto for the summer! It came from a recent trip with my boys and wonderful girlfriends ( and their kids). We visited Seaside, OR in June. Now the weather was typical Oregon Coast weather…gray, windy, and a bit cool. The kids could care less and for the most part I didn’t mind either. It wasn’t pouring, the party was on! Since the weather wasn’t warm, I dressed my children appropriately-long pants and sweatshirts. The first night we were there my kids went headlong into the frigid ocean-fully clothed-and then preceded to roll in the dry sand. Fun times! The walk back the house was quite a trek and the boys were miserable. They had to be stripped at the door and thrown in the bath to thaw out. Their 5 minutes of fun created more work for me! Bitter, moi?

The next day we are frolicking on the beach once again. And I spent the entire time screaming at Will and Henry to stay out of the water. They continued to press toward the water line and eventually attained their goal! Soaking wet! I began to fume and my dear friend, Chris, looks at me and quietly asks, “So, you are getting upset because they are getting wet at the beach?” Ouch! Only a true friend can present the truth in such a calm way and make it undeniable! Love that! And yes…I was mad at them for getting wet at the beach. I couldn’t simply enjoy the moment with them because I was thinking of the aftermath. The screaming, the falling down on the way to the house, the blue lips, the sand, the bath, the WORK! Who does that? Well, a mother who mistakenly believed she was going on vacation.

I came to the realization and accepted that I, in fact, was not on vacation. I had only moved the location of my job. My KIDS were on vacation. Hour 36. I had my come-to-Jesus moment and the rest of the trip was great. CRAZY, loud, chaotic..but GREAT! I learned not to “fight the ocean” and I was a much happier women. Yes, they were going to be kids and get dirty. And yes, it is my job to help clean them up!
(Plus, who could stay mad at these two! I also got smarter and put them in their suits. If they thought it was warm enough to swim; it was warm enough to wear a swimming suit!)

These are the titles that could been posted below my name if I sat at a cubicle!

I spent a LARGE portion of my day (and every day) coaching young boys on good behavior. I will spare you all the details because most of my strategies prove to inefficient! However, I only lost my cool once today. That was when I was forcing Will and Henry to shove down a McDonald’s Happy Meal in less than 10 minutes. Will put his straw in his juice upside down and then was surprised when the juice went every where. Henry’s banshee screams disrupted another customer’s conference call (which I will not even BEGIN to go into-since it is RIDICULOUS to think you have a right to be annoyed by a loud child when you are taking a business call in freakin’ McDonalds!!!! I digress!), so we departed without finishing lunch or getting a treat! Bummer for everyone!

If I am asked for snacks less than 5 times a day….that is a good day. Fruit and carbs….I would ask for snacks all day too! On a road trip, snack managing is a higher art form. You are traveling 75+ mph, steering with one hand, and reaching in the back to replenish dwindling snack supplies. Finding snacks that all can enjoy, without making a disgusting mess in the backseat, and can be self-fed by a two year old-this is a challenge! I injured my shoulder quite badly during our trip to California because I was sitting in the passenger seat and my left arm is not conditioned to reach into the backseat hundreds of times. This snack managements is serious business and is not for sissies! (I am serious about my arm being injured and how it happened!)

How do you knowingly plan a beach party for your child in June-when you are fairly certain it is going to rain? What am I thinking! I just ordered the “goodie” beach bags and beach balls from Oriental Trading company..no turning back now! I told Will his friends weren’t going to bring gifts and he said, “OK.” But, he had this look on his face that said…..”then why do I always spend time finding the perfect gift for all my friends and then sit and watch them open it?” I guess I should really tell him it is because mommy doesn’t want ANY MORE TOYS! Hmmmm….Is it horrible just to tell him that we are a kinder family and other people just aren’t as thoughtful? Don’t answer that!

What will my job titles be tomorrow?

Will is Star of the Week at school this week. Aaron was sweet to be his special visitor during first choice. He and “the boys” played Legos for the entire time. Will was very excited to show him around his classroom and share him with his friends! What great dad!

Yesterday I felt recharged. I rediscovered the real reason I had children. Fun! We woke up in the morning and had NO plans! What a gift! Aaron and I decided to so something spontaneous even though it was raining and dreary. We packed some snacks and rain gear and headed to Discovery Park. It was so enjoyable and the boys LOVED it! It was relaxing. When do I get to say that anymore? After, we stopped in Magnolia for pizza at a place we had never been. It felt like old times- when you could go to lunch on a Saturday without a 4-tier plan of attack. Ahhh. Maybe a little bit of our “old selves” are still there and we just need to relax to let them return?